How to Deal with Recurring Fights in My Relationship?
Don't Get Gridlocked: Understanding Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems in Your Relationship
Every couple argues. It's a normal, even healthy part of any relationship. But sometimes, arguments turn into frustrating cycles that seem to go nowhere. These are what Gottman Institute Co-Founder Dr. John Gottman calls perpetual problems. The key to navigating conflict effectively is understanding the difference between perpetual and solvable problems.
Solvable Problems: Finding Common Ground
Solvable problems are situational and specific. They might be about something as simple as who takes out the trash or a disagreement about budgeting for a vacation or dividing household chores. There's no underlying hidden meaning, and with clear communication and compromise, a solution can be found.
Here are some signs a problem is solvable:
It's a one-time issue, not a recurring theme.
Both partners are willing to listen and see each other's point of view.
The focus is on finding a solution that works for both of you.
Perpetual Problems: Managing the Grind
Perpetual problems, on the other hand, stem from fundamental differences in personalities, values, or lifestyle needs. They're the issues that keep cropping up, leaving couples feeling stuck and unheard. Common examples include in-law issues, differing parenting styles, or long distance relationships.
Here are some signs a problem is perpetual:
It's a recurring argument with no progress.
The conversation gets bogged down in blame and criticism.
There's a feeling of being emotionally distant after discussing it.
The Importance of Healthy Conflict Resolution
The good news: even though perpetual problems can't be "solved" in the traditional sense, they can be managed effectively. Here's how:
Focus on understanding: Actively listen to your partner's underlying needs and feelings behind the issue, like feeling financially insecure or lacking quality time together.
Build emotional connection: Maintain a sense of respect and affection throughout the discussion.
Accept your differences: Recognize that some things won't change, and focus on what you can control – your own behavior and responses.
By focusing on healthy communication and emotional connection, couples can learn to navigate perpetual problems without getting gridlocked.
Remember: Happy couples aren't those who never argue; they're the ones who argue well. If you're struggling with perpetual problems in your relationship, consider seeking professional help from someone who can guide you towards a more fulfilling and connected partnership.
If you’d like personalized support exploring this topics and how to get unstuck from going in circles with the same arguments, click here to request a session.
I am a PhD in Clinical Sexology candidate at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and have a Master of Science in Educational Psychology. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
